Apr 23, 2016

조금 힘들지만 결국 웃는 날이 올거야

i'm back! so.. hello again little angel diary.

when i said march had been a rough month, april isn't anything less. a lot of things happened as well, tough and challenging and.. everything but positive things.

i don't even know where should i start because my eyes would start to pour again. honestly i'm tired of crying. i think i cried twice more than i did last month. but its okay. im okay. though its partly a lie. people might think im crazy. stupid even. but honestly, its just me fighting in my inner self issues that i myself can't even bring myself to understand. i don't even know what i exactly want. why is it so confusing?

they were right. life is unfair.

exactly a month ago where i left a post, i lost my maternal grandfather. and exactly a month after, i lost another family member. exactly a month after my wound, another wound opened up. this time its from my paternal side. my late grandmother's sister passed away 4 days ago. it was so painful... after my grandma's death, she became the place for us to pour our longing of our late grandma considering they were the only female among their siblings. and now she's following my grandma's footsteps, god.. its just so painful. Ya Allah.. i just can't.

two days before her death, i managed to visit her at the hospital. she was hospitalized the day before which was sunday. but i only get the chance to visit her the next day because dad is working far, he went back to his workplace on the same day she was hospitalized. so on monday mum and uncle picked me off after work to visit her. Allah.. she didn't look like her usual self. well after her repetitive chemo, she did lost a lot of hair and weight but she still look like herself. i still can recognize her but after she was hospitalized, she didn't quite look like herself anymore. she was so pale and her hands were cold. i came up to her and hold her hand. caress her hand. she returned the gestures. her grasp were strong. the look she gave me when i looked down at her broke me down. i kept on wiping my tears because she looked like in a deep pain put she put on a mask to make everyone stop worrying. it was embarrassing that i can't stop crying. what makes me even sad was she asked me through her oxygen mask, "why are you crying? are you sick?" god.. she's in pain but she still worries about this useless granddaughter. so i said "no, it's nothing" and gave her a small smile.

when i started became a tailor on 2014, she asked me to make her some clothes. i agreed of course. but eventually on a ramadhan, her house was gone due to a big fire started in my cousin's room. though i don't live there, but the house is where our big family gathers because the house is big. i was there crying too, seeing the firefighters trying their best to save to house, and the house left with nothing but burnt woods and smoke. i went to her and hugged her. "nek, our house is gone..." and cried harder. she was wearing nothing but her home shirt and trousers, and no slippers to protect her feet. but she hugged me and soothed me down. now that i think about it, i cried a lot in front of her. so the fabrics she requested me to sew for her burnt together along the house. she did voiced out her disappointment to about it to me. but she said its okay, there's always next time.

and earlier this year when i said im gonna be done with my course and im gonna be back to hometown again, she asked me to sew her clothes again. i said yes, i'll go to her house and get the fabrics from her. she complained that her clothes are all now baggy because she lost a lot of weight due to her medication. she cant even eat without vomiting it back. she said it was hard. it was hard seeing her in that situation too. after she came back from chemo, i visited her at her house. she complained about her pain. i cried listening to her story. because i can do nothing to help her. why was it so hard for her? why cant i help her? i asked her if she still wants me to make her clothes. she said its fine. we will get into that later. maybe she's still tired of everything. i didnt force her. and now to think her wish for me to make her clothes never fulfilled, it makes me even sadder..

if before she held kenduri for everyone, it feels really weird for not having her around during kenduri.. it feels really weird now that the kenduri is held for her, for her death. it feels weird for not seeing her, and listening to her ordering us to eat. oh god.. i'm gonna miss her kuih koci the most. she made the best kuih koci ever..

but Allah loves her more. i hope her soul will be blessed.

i asked why is it hard for me to stop crying. syaz's answer was right. i bottled up my feelings and one certain thing were just enough to push and break me down even deeper. not getting up10tion's reply were just a thing. its not their fault people said. but sometimes life is unfair so blaming someone ever something feels just right, right? life is unfair. they are part of my life. therefore, they are unfair. i dont care how childish it sound because i honestly don't fucking care. they wont even know im blaming them.

i felt unfair because.. the people i helped with translation got replied by them. not once or twice, but thrice. i was sincere in helping, its a part of my practice. but i just feel its unfair. i felt i was just being used lololol 고마운 말도 없어. was my own question not good enough? were my tweets plain? were zai an ugly name they just dismissed it? were my korean crappy they decided to skip my questions? if my questions were dumb then how come people with the most simplest and dumbest mentions still got noticed? i want to ask why and how. i'm honestly hurt. don't question me on this because i might be twenty but being ignored is something i'm afraid of. well maybe i'm just stupid. but whatever. 처음부터 희망이 원래 없어서 내가 바보야now looking at their faces makes me feel.. nothing? i feel nothing looking at their photos. i don't even know what's happening but my heart didn't go crazy other their handsome faces. if this keeps on happening then.. i don't know. maybe u can expect another leave again. i don't even know if i want this to last or not. just let time pick and let things fall to its places again. god my head is throbbing.

not to talk about my health condition.. went to KK yesterday to pick up my new dosage. also i've lost 3kgs which made me feel good? was it because of my shitty eating schedule? i hope yes. i could feel very hungry but once the food is served in front of me, i could just give up on the second bite. i could feel very excited to eat but once i bite into them, i would feel like throwing them all. my stomach would be growling, begging for some food but once i put something in my mouth, i dont even have the want to chew. since when did chewing become a heavy chore? its just i didn't notice how and when this even started to happen. they said people tend to hurt themselves if they are in pain. well.. i've always in pain. but not wanting to put healthy things into my body isn't something i opted to do. its just my body refuse to accept it. no one will ever understand.

i have a lot of things going on in my head. i guess its just not showing that i'm thinking too much. i have a lots of burden. with all these sad things and my health condition, i'm surprised i'm still capable of breathing and surviving.

i don't even care how this post turns out like. grammar errors, spelling errors, i dont know. even writing this post makes me cry. im gonna ruin my mum's keyboard lol sorry mama

i'm sorry for those who had to read this depressing post. sorry for thinking too much. sorry for being  unforgiving. sorry for showing my weak side. sorry for being selfish. sorry for everything.